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Publish-date-icon February 22, 2010
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Temple University Snowball Fight Turns Deadly
FEBRUARY 22, 2010

PHILADELPHIA, PA - What started as a harmless snowball fight during a snow day at Temple University, ended as a bloody massacre of unimaginable proportions. John Doe, a formerly well-respected science major at the university, murdered 24 students in cold blood on Tuesday.

“I didn’t think anything of it at first, I mean, it was pretty fun until the cops started shooting me,” says Doe, 19. The snowball fight started at 5:00 PM on Tuesday afternoon, attracting the attention of many students. One of the survivors from the incident was able to give a summary of what happened in her own words.

“It… it was insane! I wasn’t too scared, until the helicopter started shooting at us!” exclaimed Sabrina Theteenagewitch to Channel 666 News in an interview taken one hour after the massacre. “Everyone was having fun throwing snowballs at the bell tower, while the people in the bell tower threw back. Some of the balls were made of ice, but they didn’t really hurt that bad.” She goes on to describe the horror that ensued. “After about 10 minutes of this, we all heard gunshots! Everyone looked and… and… it was that freakin’ Doe! He just started shooting everybody at random!” It seems that Doe had brought his .48-caliber Molotov cocktail to the battle, a fully automatic machine gun with fast-action deloading.

Professor Clint Westwood, director of paranormal studies at Harvard University, let reporters in on a bit of information. “Normally, a gun like this would take about 3 hits to successfully kill an enemy, but given the high wind velocity, bitter temperature, and snowy conditions of this particular day, it only took 2 shots to the body to mortally wound each student that was hit. That place is definitely gonna be haunted!” proclaims Westwood.

Everyone is severely bitter about the incident, except for one person; John Doe. “People do this type of thing all the time,” Doe tells police. “I had no idea that I would have such a high score in the end (giggling). I guess my team won, right?” When asked what he was thinking, Doe replied, “Well, I saw everyone, and I wanted to get in on the action, so I started shooting. I got 3 kills right off the bat, and no one seemed to be shooting at me, so I was like, ‘boom baby, UAV online!’. Once I got the UAV, I could see a couple of guys right near me, so I shot them really fast! It was so sick! After that, I was up to 11 kills, so I went prone and used my chopper gunner.” When police shot the suspect, he was lying on the ground with a computer in front of him. Police say he was remotely controlling an attack helicopter’s chain gun until they subdued him. “I guess I got like… 14 kills with the chopper! I’m so pissed! I could’ve gotten the nuke. That was pretty much the one time I had my kill streak rewards set for the nuke, and I was so goddamn close, too. Maybe next time…” uttered Doe.

Doe was found guilty of the killings on Wednesday night, when he was brought in front of the supreme court. He has been given 32 life sentences in jail with no bail. “Scuffles like this don’t happen every day,” says Jasper Yonkers, a friend of one of the victims. “I think this whole ordeal begs us to ask one question: Did John Doe actually have a way to call in a tactical nuclear missile? And if so, why wouldn’t he use it against North Korea or something!”

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